Written by Roger Boyd, Ph.D. (former Director of The Well Member Care Center)

I am writing this out of deep concern for men coming to work in Thailand, but really in any foreign country where sexual standards are loose and the opportunities to engage in sexual behavior can come easily.  In my work at The Well for several years, I have run into numerous cases of moral failure by men who were just not prepared to deal with the realities of living here.  Reports from others at The Well, Cornerstone Counseling Foundation, and other mission agency leaders confirm that this is a major issue.

Many men who have lived in a number of countries in Asia or SE Asia consider Thailand to be one of the most difficult places to work in terms of sexual temptation.  Other countries also pose serious threats to men, but Thailand seems to be one of the worst.  Many have wondered if there is not some special sexual bondage and oppression in Thailand, tied to the spiritual realm of course.

I have been encouraged to write some guidelines for men especially on the issue of massage parlors because in the last year there have been numerous cases of moral failure in this area, resulting in major marital, family, and ministry distress and often loss of the family to ministry, at least for a time.  Many of these ideas are my own, but I wanted to recognize that at least some of these ideas came from the 2001 paper referenced below.

1. NEVER, never, never, go to a massage parlor ALONE.
2. If you have any level of sexual struggle with pornography, or any past history of crossing sexual  boundaries, or strong temptations toward inappropriate flirting or interactions with the opposite sex, talk to someone honestly about your thought life and temptations, and seriously consider whether you should EVER go to a massage parlor. 
3. If you decide that you still want to proceed to get massages, go with your wife or a good friend.  BE WITH AND ACCOUNTABLE TO someone each time.  If, in spite of warning #1, you decide to go alone, be aware of your vulnerability, and tell someone ahead of time that you are going.  BE ACCOUNTABLE.
4. Seek out the input from others of places that seem to operate in an open atmosphere and have a good reputation.  Or, seek out the owner or manager of the massage parlor and tell them what you want, what you expect, what you don't want. The owners want your business/money.  After the massage tell the manager/owner if you liked the massage; be straight forward and truthful.
5. While getting the massage, do not flirt or interact extensively with the masseuse. Do not kid yourself that this is a good place to practice your Thai language skills or to talk about Thai culture.  Do not kid yourself that the woman is only being friendly.  Sometimes this may be correct, but all too often there is another intent. A Thai person could also misinterpret your friendliness as encouragement. Avoid sharing personal information, e.g., don’t give your photo or phone number to a person of either sex.
6. If you are going to tip it is a good practice to have the wife give the tip to both girls. They see that you come together, stick together, and discuss the massage before tipping. This is great nonverbal communication to the girls, and management.
7. Go with the understanding that in some places, you could be offered sinful sexual contact even if your spouse or friend is right with you. They are taught to ask for sexual contact because it pays much more than a massage for less work.
8. Some men think that it would be safer to have a male masseuse.  This can be a VERY risky idea, as men can be even more aggressive in thinking that sex is part of the “package.”
9. GO WITH A PLAN about how you will handle any inappropriate advance or suggestion. 
1. Go with the understanding and awareness that it can, and often does, happen.
2. Be ready to speak up quickly and firmly that that is NOT what you want.  Learn to say "NO" (in Thai--mai).  Saying "NO" is at the heart of this battle, you can not avoid its use in this fallen world. We should be experts at saying it and acting on it.
3. Understand the level of undress you may deal with.
1. For oil massages, you may have no clothes on, and a towel for covering
2. For Thai massages, you will often change into cotton “pajamas.”
4. Stay in visual contact with your spouse or friend; leave the curtains open.
5. Understand that the Thai “smile” does not mean the woman likes you; guard your own thoughts.
6. One person’s suggestion: “Tell the girl giving a massage ‘I am a family man, I do not want a girl friend.’  I am not sure if this "family man" means something special in Thailand but I have seen decisive positive changes in behavior by the massage provider after saying it.”
10.  Understand yourself emotionally and relationally
1. Are you at a vulnerable place in your relationships?  Are you lonely or worn out?  Did you just have a fight or an argument?
2. Are you aware of any rationalizations you might be using:  e.g., I’ve been working so hard I deserve something special.
3. Do you fantasize about a woman coming on to you and offering herself to you easily and freely?  If you do, you are set up for a surprise offer, even if you weren’t “looking for it” ahead of time.
4. Be aware of your own capacity for self-deceit. (Jer.17:9
5. Where are you at with God?  Quoting my friend again, “It really has to do with your heart attitude, expectations, and the ability to say no.  Massage is not the right thing for everybody.  But the rule of healthy marriage and a lifestyle of holiness, (set apart for the service of the King) is right for everybody. You can get all the methods, clothes, and procedures right, but there is no substitute to saying no, and being firm in your convictions.”  "Guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it is the wellspring of life." (Prov 4:23)

Previous input on this topic

In 2001, years before I came to live here, a survey was done as a result of a Member Care

meeting in Chiang Mai and the results were compiled by Susanne Hohnecker (Cross-Cultural Training Center) in a paper called: “Orientation Towards Sexual Purity in Thailand.”  Here are sections of the overview of the summary report:

A. Overview:

During a workshop on “Interpersonal Skills,” put on by Member Care, Chiang Mai, the question came up how we can help each other, newcomers, short-termers, our Thai contacts as well as our Thai colleagues to keep and promote sexual purity in Thailand.

This paper is the result of a short questionnaire e-mailed to about 120 missionaries in Thailand who are serving with mission boards like Disciples of Christ, Karen Baptists, Marburg Mission, Member Care, NTM, OMF, Pioneers, Southern Baptists, SIL, Thailand Baptists, WEC, World Outreach, YWAM and others. Western as well as Asian missionaries, including Thais, were asked to contribute.

Questions being asked were: 1. What helps and guidelines would you give to a new person/couple on the field (long- or short-termers) concerning sexual purity in Thailand? 2. Which standards would you suggest in dress and behavior (in general, during visits in private places, during outings around here) , 3. What has to be said about moral standards, promiscuity and homosexuality in Thailand?

I do not know where I got my copy of the paper, but I believe they would want the results to be disseminated, so if you ask for a copy, I will try to send the pdf file to you.  I have also copied some of the findings on p. 3 below.  These are not my ideas, but some “wisdom” passed on by others in the past.

How to prevent sexual temptations?

• Always remind yourself of the areas/things you are most vulnerable in and ask God for his protection in this specific thing

• Make yourself aware of the physical temptations you will face in your new setting

• Be aware of our own capacity for self-deceit (Jer. 17:9)

• There is no “fall” but “slide” into sexual sin--develop early warning system

• Don’t toy with temptation

• Don’t lie to yourself and others, esp. not about the danger of temptation

• Keep vitality of prayer and Bible reading

• Be perceptive to God’s warnings, seek his protection and help from others

• Stay in the light

• Pray for special protection when having to deal with the occult

• Try to get enough sleep: tiredness can weaken your discipline

• No dabbling in internet pornography, not even for curiosity’s sake.  Install filters to make it difficult to open pornographic sites, or accountability programs monitor activity.

• Show someone your internet history log (be accountable)

• Beware of lust: remove items that contribute to sexual temptation (TV, video machine)

• In some hotels, it is possible to tell the staff that you don’t want to watch any pornographic Channels; you can ban them

• Set parameters of what is acceptable/unacceptable in your life ahead of time.

• Pray “Lord, bless my eyes”

• Do not base your decisions and actions in this area on feelings but rather on reason.

For Those Who Are Married:

• Ask for God’s special protection for both of you.

• Keep romance strong in marriage.

• Maintain physical neatness and attractiveness.

• Commit yourself to physical, spiritual and emotional passion.

• Speak frankly to each other and keep each other accountable about temptations

• Share affection.

• Be aware of acting as role models for your children.

• No extended relationships with people of the opposite sex without your/their spouse included.

In contact with local people:

• Understand cultural cues: what is interesting/not interesting?

• Avoid physical touch: it sends confusing or inviting messages

• No live-in maids (some disagree with this point), no touching the housemaid!

• When wife senses that a Thai lady and her husband are too friendly to each other, the husband must back off immediately

• Avoid having language helpers of the opposite sex, without other accountability on contact.