Welcome To Your New Home!

After months of upheaval, incredible busyness (What’s the big deal, the mover just comes in and does everything, right?), transition, and goodbyes, you have finally arrived to start your new life in a new culture.  You may have a range of reactions from “Bring it on, this is an adventure of a life time”   to  “How did I get myself talked into this?” or “ I’m overwhelmed and I’ll never feel at home”.

The “Trailing Spouse ”

You may be here because you have chosen to come, to follow a dream or a calling or you may be a ‘trailing spouse’.  That is the term given to a person who moves to a new culture because their spouse (most often the husband) takes a job there.   A trailing spouse faces many challenges, such as loss of career, identity, role, their own income and proximity to family (parents, siblings, children and grandchildren).   The working spouse arrives and immediately starts their new job.   While there may be many things that are new and different in their workplace, they soon fit into a role, identity, and relationships with colleagues.    The trailing spouse is left alone in the house with the task of settling the family, helping the children adjust to their new school and setting up the home.   She doesn’t know anyone, and the phone is silent.   She needs to find the drycleaner, doctor, dentist, hairdresser, to deal with repairs in the apartment and on and on and on.   When her husband gets home, she needs to TALK (!), but her husband may just want to rest and be quiet.  It is all very stressful because it is ALL unfamiliar!

Yes, those first months can be very tough.   Many of us have been through it.   Not only do we survive, but we can soon learn to thrive.  It’s as much about attitude as it is about actions, so let’s start with the easier one: actions – coping strategies that you can employ even when you don’t feel like it.

Practical Ideas For Not Only Surviving, But Thriving or “I’m Not Comfortable With This, But I’ll Give It A Try”

• Observe and absorb:  Open your eyes to all the new things around you.   Make note of whatever seems different and intriguing....flowers, birds, fashion, architecture, food, etc.  asking questions such as “I wonder why they do things that way” or “what does that mean” or “how does that work”?
• Be a learner:  Knowledge is empowering.  The more you learn about Thai life, culture, history, language, the more comfortable you will become.
• Carry a camera or two!  Take a digital camera on your daily outings and take photos of everything that strikes you as different or noteworthy.   This is especially useful in the first six months, because the longer you are here, the more you will adapt, and things will begin to seem “normal”.   Share the photos with family and friends ‘back home’ so they can gain some insight into your world.  If you have more than one camera, use them both.   Different  things will catch the attention of different family members.
• Go out and take new territory:  Every time you go somewhere new, or do something you haven’t done before, try a new food, etc. you make that place or experience part of your territory.  As you broaden your territory, you will be empowered, and feel more comfortable and capable. 
• Make maps your friends:  Collect a number of different maps.   Compare them to each other and to what you are seeing.   Over time you will build your ‘mental map’ of your surroundings, and find them less intimidating.  Carry a map with you when you can go out.   It will help you to figure out where you are, and how places relate to one another.   It is also a great aid if you get lost.
• Start a curiosity list:  “I wonder where that  road goes, what that food tastes like, how that works, what that vegetable is, what is inside that shopping centre?”  Visit tourist sites.  Add places and experiences that others recommend.  Then make a deliberate attempt to satisfy  your curiosity on one or more things each week.   Try new fruits and foods.   The worst thing that can happen is that you won’t like them and throw them out.   At first you may not be comfortable exploring on your own, so find else someone else who is new, tag along with someone who has been here a while or go out with your family.
• Laughing is more fun than crying:  See the humour in life, be willing to take risks, make mistakes and laugh at them.   Thai people appreciate your efforts to engage in their culture, and are very forgiving of mistakes.   Laugh and forgive yourself too.   It’s all part of the experience.
• Find bridges into the culture:  Connect with people who can help you learn how Thai life works and answer your many questions.   Staff at the office, a driver, maid or neighbours are possibilities.  As you make friends with Thai people, you will have more opportunities to find your way in Thai culture.   Accept invitations to outings, weddings, funerals, etc.  Ask questions in advance so you know what is expected and appropriate in these settings.
• Information is power:  Collect information from various sources – guidebooks, a variety of maps, tourist information, internet, supermarket bulletin boards, etc.   Subscribe to a local English language newspaper to get a sense of what is going in the country, how people think and activities you might want to check out.   Channel 5 has English news at 8 am.   Channel 78 (True TV) is a Thai based English channel.
• Network:  Use whatever means you can to connect with people.   Get involved with something – a club, church, volunteering, fitness, hobbies.   If you have children in school, they are a great way of connecting you with other women.
• Journal:  For some people, journaling is an effective tool for processing and retaining what they are experiencing and feeling.
• Reach out:  We all have the need to know that our lives matter to others, to know and be known.  Don’t wait for people to figure out you are lonely and need a friend.   Be proactive in going outside your home to places where you will connect with people.    Get name cards made with your contact info (and a map or directions to your home on the back).  If you meet someone you would like to get to know or do something with, be proactive in suggesting that you do something together.  In time you will make new friends.  Having friends from around the world is a huge benefit of the expat life. 
• Communicate:  Email, Skype, Facebook, Webcams, Messaging, VOIP and Phone Cards all make communicating with folks back home easy.   Archive copies of outgoing emails that detail your daily life and reactions to culture as a long term record of this chapter of your life.  Come to terms with the fact that some people ‘back home’ are not communicators or cannot relate to your new life.   It may be necessary to let go of some relationships as you build new ones here.
• Learn enough Thai language to function:  how to give a taxi directions to your home, etc. 
• Get a Cheat Sheet made:  In one column list places you might need to go by taxi.  Get someone in the company office to write the same thing in Thai beside it.   Then, if you can’t make yourself understand with words, you can show the driver the paper.   Make sure the text is fairly large as taxi / tuk-tuk drivers are not known for wearing reading glasses.
• Get organized and settled:  Get your new home set up so it is functional and homey.   Avoid the trap of ‘I won’t bother to do much because we won’t be here long.’   Create a nest where you feel comfortable and secure.
• Make you home a haven:  Life is stressful for all of your family, so strive to make home a place that is safe, welcoming and comfortable, a place where you can retreat from being too overwhelmed by culture shock and just be at rest.
• Nurture your marriage and family:  You are all going through tremendous transitions and stress but you are ‘in it’ together.   Work through the struggles together rather being overwhelmed and allowing them to create distance in your relationships.    This is especially true if your spouse travels extensively or if you have children ‘back home.’
• Learn about cross-cultural dynamics:  I highly recommend Foreign to Familiar by Sarah Lanier.  It’s a short, easy ready that provides ways in which different cultures approach various things.  I found myself having numerous ‘Aha’ moments, thinking “That’s why things are happening the way they are.”

So you are doing all these things, but you are still struggling with your feelings on some level.   Negative thoughts and emotions such as loneliness, frustration, anger and despair may be merely nibbling at your soul or they may be devouring you.   These are common emotions which often ease with time, but should this deepen into depression, you can find help through a counsellor or professional.

There are several “A’s” which can have a significant part in how you settle into your new life in Thailand. 

Attitude, Adjusting, Adapting And Acceptance

Just as there are practical coping strategies for adapting to expat life, there are also things that you can do in your heart, mind and soul to help your through the process of settling in.

• You are a GUEST in this country.  It is very easy to look at the strange ways of a new culture and think they are doing it all wrong.  Remember that you are a guest here, and rather than being critical, respond as a gracious guest.  That doesn’t mean you have to adapt to the Thai way of doing things, but you can be respectful.
• DIFFERENT is merely different, not right or wrong.  We all think that our home culture is the best, but it helps to look for the positives in the new culture and try to understand the root and meaning of the way they do things.
• When you are frustrated, choose to focus on the things you will miss when you leave Thailand.  Yes, there are things that you would change if you could, but choose to enjoy the perks of this posting:  beaches, orchids, tropical food, or whatever else attracts you.
• Don’t  focus on what you miss but on all the great new things you have.  Maybe you can’t get a favourite food here, but there are choice items from around the world just waiting to be discovered.  The same applies for friends.
• Don’t  complain about the things you cannot change:  the heat, pollution, traffic or crowding.   Acceptance will give you a measure of rest while complaining feeds your feelings of dissatisfaction.
• Bad things WILL happen.  If you live here long enough, you may encounter significant difficulties:  illness, accident, natural disaster, employees who betray your trust, etc.   It is tempting to think “If I had stayed back home, this wouldn’t have happened and I wouldn’t be in the midst of this mess”.  Being far from your home culture and support systems may make a bad situation seem even worse.  Actually, tough times happen everywhere, so it is helpful to take a larger view and not blame your pain on your location.
• Let go of your expectations.  Unfulfilled expectations can create barriers between us and those who didn’t fulfil our expectations.   Having fewer expectations means fewer disappointments.   If a loved one doesn’t call or write, rather than getting upset with them, pick up the phone and reach out to them.   Expect the best and let go of the rest.
• Beware of a sense of entitlement.  If you are from a developed nation, you may be accustomed to certain rights, freedoms and creature comforts.   If you don’t have those same things in your life here, you may become frustrated and chafe against this loss.   It may be necessary to lay aside some of these things for the time you are in Thailand.   For instance, you may have owned a car or two in your previous home, but now you have to rely on public transportation.  You may be disappointed by the lack of  hot water heaters, or air conditioners. Choose to celebrate the benefits of life here rather than bemoaning the losses.
• Avoid self-pity.  We all have moments when we have huge meltdowns and feel sorry for ourselves.   OK, so we sometimes dabble our toes in the muck of self-pity, but don’t wallow in it.   Focussing on the negative just makes you feel worse.   Be aware of any tendency to complain or wish for the way things were ‘back home.’  If you are grumbling, your children may imitate you, and that becomes very draining for all around you. Rather, refocus and choose to have an attitude of gratitude.
• Choose not to be offended.  There will be times when you experience something really hurtful or frustrating.   Taking offense is a CHOICE.   You can focus on offering grace or on being angry and bitter.   If you do that latter, you are hanging on to pain unnecessarily.
• Know yourself.  This is a good time to take a step back from the demands of job and community life and let your body catch up with your soul.   Take time to process your experiences and name your feelings (loss, loneliness, overwhelmed, loss of identity, confusion, concern for loved ones, worry).  In coming here, you may have had to let go of many things that are dear to you.  Allow yourself to grieve those losses, and ask God to heal and fill the empty places.   
• Figure out your comfort zone / risk tolerance.   Some people are totally frustrated when they cannot understand what is being said around them.  “Are people talking about me?   Will they cheat me?”   This can be a major source of stress.   Other people can tune out the words they don’t know and find alternate ways of functioning.   Some people are comfortable with taking risks like going out alone or riding motorcycle taxis.   If you have an awareness of your comfort and risk boundaries you then can either find ways to live within those constraints or find ways to change them.
• Come to terms with your ignorance.  Being uneducated about how life works in Thailand is not a fault and does not mean you are stupid.   Yes, you may feel inadequate or limited, but with perseverance you can change that.
• Be comfortable in your own skin.  As you come to know yourself better, you can be content with being who you are at this stage of your life, in this place.   You will be less stressed by the need to somehow fit into what you perceive other people’s expectations are here.   For instance,  I know very few other grey haired women here, but allowing my hair to remain grey rather than colouring it is a choice I have made, and I am comfortable standing out as that ‘grey haired farang’.
• Know your strengths.  If you are here, you’ve already displayed character qualities such as a willingness to take risks, adaptability, and resourcefulness.   Identify your strengths, celebrate them and use them to your advantage.   Relegate thoughts of ‘I can’t .....’ to the back of the line.
• New beginnings, new opportunities.  This may be the time to do things you have had on the back burner for a long time.... taking a course (you can study almost anything online), learning a skill, finding the time to go to the gym, reading,  etc.
• Renew, Refresh, De-stress.  Figure out what recharges your batteries and find ways to incorporate that into your life.... phone calls to friends, exercise, creative activities, prayer, a bubble bath, massage, facial, getting out in nature.   Find places to go when you want to have a ‘mental health break’, both for yourself and for your family. 
• I won’t be here forever (I hope!).  Life is about seasons and chapters, which have perks and drawbacks.  In the midst of the tough times, remind yourself that nothing lasts forever, and this will pass or get better eventually.  
• “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. As a wife and mother, you have the potential to enhance your family’s experience or cast a shadow on it.   You set the tone for your family’s experience.   Your children will reflect the attitude you model.

When you look at life, think of a glass of water.  Is it half empty or half full?   Your focus and mindset has a lot to do with whether or not you enjoy your Thai sojourn.   Life is an adventure!  Enjoy it!